Jealousy is especially common at the beginning of a relationship or during periods of change, when you are getting closer, building trust, or going through a crisis. And although almost every second person in a relationship has encountered this feeling at least once, it is important to distinguish healthy jealousy from the kind that is destructive. After all, if you do not sort yourself out in time, you can imperceptibly turn a romance into a real test and a check of strength.

Jealousy is less about what’s actually happening and more about what you think is happening. You imagine alarming scenarios in your head: he talked to a colleague for too long, forgot to mention the hot new coworker, liked a photo of an ex. You get the feeling that someone is trying to invade your territory. Even if the “threat” is only in your imagination, the feelings are real – resentment, anxiety, anger.

What makes jealousy so dangerous? Its companions: irritability, constant tension, resentment, a tendency to dramatize. If emotions overwhelm, a person can start acting impulsively – checking the partner’s phone, interrogating, forbidding communication with friends. All this takes away strength, destroys trust and makes intimacy fragile and vulnerable.

Slight anxiety is normal: you value the person, it is important for you to be needed. Sometimes it is even useful – a reminder that a partner does not have to be there by default, and feelings should be supported. Such feelings can be discussed, turned into care, made a reason for getting closer.

But if jealousy becomes uncontrollable, if you feel that without constant control the relationship will fall apart, it is worth thinking about. Where does such uncertainty come from? Why is trust replaced by the fear of losing? And what is the story behind this anxious background – perhaps not from this relationship, but from the past?

Another important point is not to confuse jealousy with envy. Envy is about what you don’t have, but others do. And jealousy is about the fear of losing what is already yours. Envy says: “Why is she so lucky?”, jealousy whispers: “What if he leaves you for her?” Both feelings are unpleasant, but they are caused by different thoughts and require different approaches. 

Excessive jealousy is not a whim or just a character trait. It often hides deep fears: being abandoned, being insufficient , losing control. And if these fears control your actions, the relationship begins to crack at the seams. Control, prohibitions, surveillance, checks – all this does not bring you closer, but on the contrary, distances you. The partner feels in a cage, and even the strongest feelings may not withstand.

Jealousy is not a death sentence. You don’t have to tolerate it, hide it, or let it destroy what you value. There are effective ways to live this feeling consciously and with care for both yourself and your partner.

1. Stay in the moment and ask yourself . When jealousy hits, the first thing you should do is stop and think honestly: what exactly has hurt me? Is it my partner’s actions or internal fears that are making themselves known? Sometimes the reason is not in external behavior, but in your self-esteem. Feelings are a signal, not a sentence. If you carefully unpack them, you can find a deeper reason.
2. Speak up, don’t remain silent . Keeping jealousy quiet is only going to make it stronger. Instead, try speaking openly, but without accusations. Start with “I’m anxious because…” rather than “You’re…” This conversation can be a growth point if both are willing to listen, rather than defend themselves.
3. Build trust, don’t check phones . Trust isn’t something you either have or you don’t. It’s something you build every day — in small ways, in actions, in honesty, in being vulnerable. When you have this feeling in a relationship, there’s much less jealousy. And when it does appear, it’s easier to endure it together, rather than on opposite sides of the fence.
4. Strengthen yourself, not compare yourself to others . Those who are confident in themselves are less likely to see a threat in every look or like. You can work on your self-esteem in different ways – sports, hobbies, achieving goals, even changing your image. This is not about “becoming better for your partner”, but about feeling your own value outside of the relationship.
5. Shift your focus from worry to gratitude . The more often a person thinks about what they might lose, the more they risk not noticing what they already have. A simple exercise: every evening, remember three things for which you are grateful to your partner and your relationship. This helps to regain support and switch from fear scenarios to awareness of reality.
6. Clarify the rules, don’t guess . Many jealous outbursts occur because of omissions. For one person, flirting is a threat, and for another, it’s just a light manner of communication. Spoken boundaries in a relationship are like a map that is easier for both to navigate.
7. Don’t cross the other person’s boundaries . Reading other people’s messages, checking their correspondence, spying – all this may seem like a way to calm down, but in reality it only destroys trust. In a healthy relationship, everyone has the right to personal space, even if this space is frightening in its inaccessibility.
8. Seek support, don’t be alone . You can’t always cope with jealousy alone. Sometimes you need someone who will look at the situation from the outside – this could be a psychologist, a friend, or even a book that gives you the right words. Asking for help is not a weakness, but a manifestation of maturity.
9. Return to reality, rather than wandering in anxious fantasies . Many jealous tantrums live in the future, in the world of “what if…”. Bring yourself back to the “here and now”: feel your body, notice your breathing, go for a walk, do something with your hands. The body knows how to ground the mind if you give it a chance.