If you have feelings for someone and they don’t reciprocate, you’re not alone. According to statistics, more than 50% of people have suffered from this at some point in their lives.Why can feelings arise for a person who is not ready to reciprocate your feelings? And how to live with this? The editors of Lady Mail examine the topic with psychologist Olga Romaniv.
Why does unrequited love occur?
There are several reasons why you might fall in love with someone who is not loved back.
1. You have a tendency to idealize people.
Many people tend to idealize a person in their imagination. Perhaps you are simply attached to the ideal version, not perceiving him as a full-fledged complex personality with shortcomings and undesirable traits.
2. You have an avoidant attachment style.
Some people like an unavailable partner. And the fact that the relationship won’t work out subconsciously seems like a safe and attractive option. This speaks of an avoidant attachment style , which could have formed due to childhood psychological trauma.
To love someone and be loved in return, you have to be vulnerable and accept that there is both risk and reward in a two-way relationship. But not everyone is willing to take that risk and open up to another person.
3. You have poor communication skills
Problems with communication can also be the cause of unrequited love. After all, in order for feelings to become mutual, you need to talk to each other a lot and for a long time, to show yourself.
In addition, sociability always allows a person to have several options for relationships and not get hung up on one person.
4. You have a problem with self-esteem
Self-confidence also plays a big role in building relationships. If it is not there, a person can take on an unbalanced share of feelings and responsibility, believing that he is not worthy of love in return (my love is enough for both of us).
5. You have conflicting expectations from your partner
It may also be that you simply chose a person with completely different views on relationships. For example, you want devotion in love, but he is not ready for this. And this is where one-sided feelings come from.
It’s easy to understand that you have feelings for someone, but to see that they don’t feel the same way about you is a real shock. Unrequited love is really very difficult. But no matter how painful it is, remember that it’s just an experience, part of life’s journey, which you can definitely overcome. And there are effective methods for this.
1. Allow yourself to grieve
Rejection hurts, your heart is broken. Sometimes even your body feels heavy and uncomfortable. That’s why be kind to yourself and allow yourself to experience these feelings fully.
Don’t pretend you’re okay or treat emotional pain like it’s a weakness. Recognize that you’re not okay emotionally and you probably won’t be okay for a while. You need to come to terms with the situation before it gets better. And remember: you will get better.
2. Understand that you are not alone
Rejection makes us vulnerable and we take it personally because our expectations and self-esteem are involved. We often fall into the trap of thinking that we are not good enough just because one person did not return our feelings.
We lament that we are not attractive enough, successful enough or smart enough. But it is important to understand that unrequited love can happen to anyone. Even to someone who, as it seems to us, would never experience difficulties in their personal life.
A good way to avoid self-deprecation is to consider other points of view. Maybe it just happened because you met at the wrong time. Or maybe you weren’t meant to be together.
3. Analyze your past relationships
Consider whether there is a pattern to this unreciprocity. For some people, falling in love with someone who rejects them is a pattern they repeat based on similar childhood experiences. Perhaps it is the trauma of parents who were not always there.
It turns out that already as an adult you unconsciously choose a person with the same behavior pattern that you observed as a child. And it is important to work with this: admit that you have a psychological trauma and try to change your life to get out of this vicious circle. Try to communicate with people who are not like your parents or those who once hurt you.
4. Distance yourself from the person you are in love with
Understand that it can be hard for the person who can’t reciprocate your feelings, too. People who reject others often suffer from guilt and anxiety. You, too, probably have a hard time seeing someone you have an unrequited crush on, so it’s important to avoid seeing them.
Even if you both agree to remain friends, you should create some distance. Give yourself time to sort out your feelings, to look at things from a healthier perspective. If you don’t see the object of your affection for a long time, your feelings will gradually weaken.
5. Treat your feelings as if they were someone else’s
Try talking to yourself in the third person. This will help you better control your emotions, as well as step away from your usual perspective and look at the situation from a more objective point of view. Observe your feelings as if you were a different person. You may even be able to give yourself advice.
6. Focus on non-romantic content
Take a break from romance books, movies, blogs, and podcasts for a while. Instead, explore content that promotes confidence and self-love .
7. Be inspired by your feelings
Try to see the positive in what happened. Firstly, it is an experience that will make you stronger and wiser. Secondly, you can direct your feelings towards creativity or spiritual search. To distract yourself from worries, find a new hobby or try some interesting activity every day. Over time, you will find that unrequited love has brought good moments into your life.