You say you’re not jealous? That your friend Anya got her third promotion in the last two years, Ira blogs about her four (!) beautiful and smart children, and Lena only has time to repack her suitcases between flights from Hong Kong to Morocco? Well, well.There is nothing shameful about wanting to have children, travel a lot, be able to draw even eyeliner with one hand, have a sculpted abs and a super successful handsome husband. Yes, all at once. Because when you watch other people’s lives on social media, it starts to seem like this is the norm. For some reason, for everyone except you.
Other people’s posts, photos, stories feed envy every day. We tell you how not to let social networks ruin your self-esteem and relationships with friends.
Don’t criticize, sympathize
Envy as a feeling is complex in that it evokes a whole bunch of emotions: anger, indignation, shame, anxiety. And all of them together become fertile ground for criticism: “What kind of a blockhead am I, so disorganized, so unfocused, why can everyone else do it, but I can’t?”
Unfortunately, many of us tend to judge ourselves too harshly. But excessive self-criticism only makes things worse.
By scolding yourself, you only begin to feel more shame and anxiety. And envy.
To break this cycle, it is better to sympathize with yourself. That it can be difficult, that some plans are not destined to come true. Stay in this sadness for a while and hear the inner voice: “Don’t be upset, you are so great! Look how much you have already done. Yes, you make mistakes, but no one is perfect. Let’s think about how to fix them and what will help you with this.”
After all, that’s what you’d say to support one of your friends. Just learn to support yourself in the same way.
We have been taught since childhood that envy is a bad feeling that is best ignored and suppressed. However, it can inspire change and motivate action.
Envy of what another person has shows what we ourselves lack. Are you jealous that your friend changed jobs and now posts photos from her cool office? Most likely, you have also been wanting a change for a long time, but you are hesitant to send your resume to your dream company.
Is it unbearable to watch your friend post bouquets of flowers from her beloved man on social media every other day? Perhaps your own relationship lacks romance.
It’s simple: envy points to needs that need to be met. To understand them, you need to reformulate the phrase “I envy this” to “I want the same thing.” Instead of an abstract feeling of envy, you will have a specific goal that can be achieved.
We were all brought up from childhood to always focus on our shortcomings. Remember school copybooks, where mistakes and shortcomings were highlighted in red. So that it was clear what was done poorly, what failed. And how rarely did teachers praise beautiful handwriting, the absence of blots, or anything else.
This lack of positive reinforcement in childhood has an impact on adulthood: we lose the ability to see and appreciate our strengths and begin to take them for granted.
So, right now, sit down and write down at least 10 of your most diverse virtues and skills that you are glad to have: charm, humor, beautiful legs, neat manicure , responsibility, kindness, the ability to plan things or make handmade soap. And yes, which others might envy.
By the way, your friends and family often remind you of your talents. It’s time to accept them with gratitude and stop brushing off these compliments as undeserved.
Ask to share the secret of success
Envy drives people away from each other. Trying to hide your irritation, you probably try to communicate less with your friend, who clearly lives better than you.
Fortunately, the concept of “white envy” has been invented, which will help restore deteriorating relationships and bring back intimacy.
Don’t wring your hands dramatically, hold back tears, and squeeze out the whole truth about how you suffer from envy. Say, “I’m so happy for you that you have this and that. Tell me, how did you manage to get it? What did you do? What is your secret?”
If your friend is a sincere and wise person who values your relationship, she will not brag, but will give useful advice and support. And now the almost lost contact is established again!
Well, if someone else’s ideal family, career, appearance or wealth irritate you too much, then just learn to distance yourself. Believe me, gossip behind your back in the style of: “She’s lucky that Vitka earns so much, she doesn’t have to go to work” does not paint you in a good light.
And it certainly won’t strengthen the friendship if “well-wishers” whisper to your friend what you’re saying about her.
Look at what you’re really jealous of: the perfect pictures on social networks. And there, of course, everyone posts the best of everything at once: interesting photos from fashion shows, smiling husbands, and poses that make them look slimmer. And the especially enterprising simply photoshop their protruding bellies, which they couldn’t effectively suck in.
At least sometimes remind yourself that photos on social networks are a way to show yourself and your life better than it really is.
Meet your friends in real life more often. Over a cup of tea, they will tell you everything about naughty children, overly busy husbands, extra pounds and endless rush jobs.